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Summary: Goku looks back over his history with Vegeta and laments his lack of courage when it came to the one person he ever truly wanted.
* * * * *
At first, I thought it was because he so was mysterious. So unattainable.
Then we fused, and I saw his past...then I wanted to heal him.
Vegeta has brought me through the entire spectrum of my emotions, throwing me from one extreme to another, often unwittingly. The bastard prince, more recently, my reluctant friend. Rival, most definitely, although I wouldn't have it any other way. And...as silly as it sounds...the biggest crush I've ever had.
I've thought about it, perhaps too much. I've watched him more closely than any man should. There isn't one thing that draws me to him, but a myriad of reasons that keep me in his presence when possible. I try to be unobtrusive, and I'm a fantastic liar when it comes to my own emotions and self-projection. As much as I'd like to be Vegeta's...chosen...I can't risk what little we have by admitting what I feel.
I saw him kiss Bulma the other day, and I wondered what it might feel like to be Bulma. To have Vegeta in my bed, in my painfully lonely life, in the very core of my soul. I felt more than a little jealous, and more than a just little sad.
I'm not an entirely happy man; I don't think I've been happy for many years. Maybe when I had my sons to occupy me, but Vegeta's been on my mind since we met. And then I began to think differently around the time of the Androids. Remembering how I laughed when Trunks told me Vegeta was his father. I laughed because I couldn't cry. I felt a small part of myself die when I realized Vegeta wouldn't, couldn't ever be mine.
I had to watch his shy courtship with Bulma. I had to smile when Bulma excitedly told me that she and Vegeta had a date. I had to be happy for both of them; had to lie and lie and wish it were me that Vegeta was slowly thawing for. I wished he didn't mean the insults or the death threats. I wanted to be the one to get him out of gravitron rubble and make sure he got back on his feet.
So much I wanted that I could never have. Death was something of a relief.
Seven years away from someone that I had completely unrequited feelings for. It was a little better; I had several relationships while in Otherworld, decided that I felt more comfortable with warm muscle than soft curves. I fantasized about Vegeta while I was with other men, wished it were his voice, his arms, his warmth.
Then I saw him again, and he ignored me until he could finally 'convince' Babidi to possess him. That was the proof, as if I'd ever needed it, that Vegeta hated me. Truly, utterly despised me with the heart he had grown over the years. Before that, he'd hated me with his pride...now it was complete, and I wanted to die. I had hoped, deluded myself while away from him. Maybe he had missed me. Maybe he didn't want to fight with me any more. How stupid I was.
But he knocked me out - much to my relief - and went to fight Buu.
When I woke up, and his energy was gone, all the bones in my legs dissolved and I immediately knew he had gone to Hell, and I worried about him. Worried about him, amongst other things, until we met again just before fusion. How I convinced him, I'm not quite sure, but before I could really consider the long-term consequences (not that I truly cared; fusion with Vegeta was wonderful) we were joined and became something akin to perfection. Without our permission, our minds joined and swirled together, memories nudged each other and emotions clashed and merged. Vegeta saw my past, and I saw his, although his emotions remained indistinct, and I assume, mine did too.
I doubt he would be talking to me these days if he knew what feelings 'third-class, idiot Kakarot' held.
For all his flaws, his torments and his darkness, Vegeta is a beautifully intense person. Beyond his physicality - which I greatly appreciate - he's passionate in all he does, throwing as much energy into his spars as he does into his relationship with Trunks. He might not be the embodiment of sainthood, but Vegeta's heart is in the right place. He's forgiven me, and even remembers my birthday, although he never makes a big fuss about it.
It lets me hope a little.
We spar. We eat. Saiyan things and we enjoy it, but I can't help but feel jealous of Bulma for getting someone I feel I was fated to be with. I'm the one he came to fight; I'm the one he fought so hard to beat. He...he treated me as an equal once. When we were fighting Buu and he admitted that he couldn't do it, and that I could. When he had faith in me and my spirit bomb. And he couldn't understand why I would rather have let the universe die than throw that bomb.
It's hard.
I'm with a wife that loves me as a friend, a brother, but not as a husband. I've watched Vegeta settle down as a father, and I smiled once when photos of his family fell out of his wallet.
I suppose I can't give him whatever it is he needs. I can't measure up to him or Bulma, and never will. I can see that he's happy, and I won't do anything to jeopardize his comfortable place in the world even though I'm dying on the inside.
It's been twenty long, long years.
I don't want to watch this any more. My sons have no further need for me, and my wife sleeps in another room. The only person I've ever wanted knows me no further than a sparring partner and eager friend, and is content with that. I'm so lonely. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of this crush that depresses me because that is all it will ever be.
Sometimes I think that, if I died, Vegeta wouldn't even notice.
Well, I suppose he would, but he wouldn't take it as hard as I secretly wish he would. I wish he could understand what it feels like to have this sort of desolation billowing inside his veins like the empty winds of the Artic. I know he has been sad before, and he has grieved for his people and his planet.
But would he grieve for me?
Vegeta, I wish I'd told you. I wish things had turned out differently. I wish that I had been the one you'd committed suicide for, the one that you had melted for. But that's wishful thinking and it makes me tired. My soul feels like a filthy, old dishrag that no one wants.
It's lonely.
I'm lonely. I'm alone. What's the difference? I'm still cold at night, sleeping in an empty bed in an empty room. It's been too long, this final goodbye. I wish I had had the courage to tell Vegeta that I needed him more than I let on, but I feared his rejection. I never want him to hate me again. I'd sooner die than feel his scorn lashing at my heart again.
It's the cowardly way out, and Vegeta wouldn't be proud...but I've just got to let it go.
* * * * *
Before I could even carry out my resolution, someone came along to make my life easier. Frieza's youngest brother, Iyce, came to Earth, having made sure to train and ascend a few levels before coming to find the last two Saiyans. He was far stronger than we had anticipated, but not unbeatable for a Super Saiyan four, a level both Vegeta and I had achieved. I could leave this one to Vegeta and use it as an end to a means.
The younger Saiyans stood back, letting Vegeta and I handle this. I toyed around, taunted the Frieza look-alike until he was fuming, waited for my chance.
When Iyce got pissed and hurled an attack at Vegeta, I simply got in front of Vegeta, wrapped my arms around his shoulders and felt the energy ball tear into my back, blasting out though my chest and bruising Vegeta slightly. Unable to feel my legs anymore, I crumple to the floor, my hands dragging on Vegeta's body as I fall. I can vaguely feel Vegeta turn me onto my back, and I try to focus on his face as best I can.
"Kakarot! What were you thinking?!"
Too late, Vegeta. Too damn late. I grin rather inanely, feeling blood ooze from my back like the slow molten lava of a volcano. Anywhere without you will be better than losing you every day. He drops to his knees beside me and tries to staunch the blood flowing from the gaping hole in my chest with his hands, but it bubbles indifferently through his fingers. I make no move to stop it.
"Dammit, Kakarot! Don't you die on me! Don't you dare!"
I can't see his face too well for all the darkness clouding my vision, but he looks...panicked? Desperate?
Devastated? Or am I being cruel to myself in delusion?
"No, no, no...goddammit, where are they with those damn senzus?! Kakarot! Hang on, you hear? I won't lose you!"
"Ve-Vegeta...it's going to be alright..."
He chokes, then swallows hard. "No, it's not going to be alright, Kakarot...please...don't go...hang on for me. Don't leave me..."
Oh, Vegeta...I didn't mean to upset you. I just didn't think you'd care this much...
"I'll be...fine..."
I'd say more, but my lungs are giving out. I don't think that a senzu could help me now. Vegeta crouches closer to me, and rests a hand on my cheek, his voice choked with some emotion I can't discern in my state.
"But I won't be, Kakarot. Please, don't leave me like you did last time! Don't ever leave me! You've got to hold on, even if it is just for me. I know it's selfish, but I...I need you."
His voice is almost nonexistent and he bends his head over mine, his nose against my cheek and...something wet falls onto my face.
"I can't let you leave me, Kakarot...not when I care so much..."
All of a sudden, suicide seems like the stupidest thing I've ever done. Now my life energy is really slipping away, falling like a stone thrown from the Lookout. I can't get a rein on it, and Vegeta tucks me closer to him, his grip almost too tight in his desperation.
"Kakarot...I would have taken that blast for you...you didn't have to do that ..."
He sobs, and all I can do is turn my head into his touch.
I'm sorry, Vegeta...
The very last vestiges of energy leave me, and I can feel my soul releasing itself from its mortal form. Come on, bring me back before it's too late...
Apparently, Vegeta isn't willing to let go. I feel his lips close over mine, and his tongue shoving something down my throat...
Chewed senzu bean.
The magic bursts into my body, released by Vegeta's chewing, and my soul is forcibly tugged back into my body, my back arching with the jolt. Another senzu bean is pushed down my throat and my body heals quickly, although not totally. The darkness evaporates and life once again pumps through my veins, warming me like a hot bath in winter. I try to sit up, but Vegeta grabs the front of my gi and hauls me up into a sitting position. He shakes me hard, although the shaking of his voice tells me that he's too relieved to be truly angry.
"Dammit, Kakarot! You ridiculous clown! Why did you go jump in front of a blast I could easily have batted away?! I'll kill you myself for putting me through that, you...you... s-s- stupid...m-m-moronic..."
He sniffs and tries to shake me harder but his head hangs as crystalline drops streak down his face.
"C-c-completely irration-nn-nal..."
He breaks down entirely, his hands fisting in the tatters of my gi top and pulling me closer that he can rest his forehead against my chest.
"Idiot..."
I put my hands on his back and wonder if I'll ever be allowed to do it again.
"I know, Vegeta. I am an idiot. I just...I didn't have the courage to tell you the truth and I'm sorry. Don't cry; not over me."
Vegeta sniffs and manages a shaky snort into my gi.
"Who said I was crying? My face is leaking."
I laugh as I pull him closer, ignoring how our sons and Piccolo are just staring at us. "I think we need to talk, Vegeta...in private."
He nods and gets to his feet, helping me up. I'm not fully healed and I'm exhausted as well as sore, but I have energy enough for this. Vegeta turns to Trunks and company.
"Boys, we'll meet up with you later. Kakarot and I need to sort something out. We'll see you for dinner. That goes for you too, Namek, but thanks for bringing senzu beans. I was...worried."
The others nod and take off in the direction of Capsule Corp, where Bulma and Chichi are probably waiting for news. I wait until they are truly out of hearing range, and turn to talk to Vegeta...
Who simply punches me hard through the face. His left fist cracks across my jaw and sends me stumbling backwards and the physical pain is overwhelmed by the disappointment and dismay that closes around my battered heart. I stagger back and raise my eyes to Vegeta, letting all the hurt show and wishing that he'd care enough to notice.
What did I do wrong?!
"That was for trying to die on me," he says causally, dropping his fist and letting his hand unclench. I rub my bruised jaw and try not to pout. He smirks but its not harsh; just a familiar old expression that keeps his smiles rare enough to be truly beautiful.
"Come on, Kakarot. You've got some explaining to do. I'm not stupid; that was obviously a suicide attempt and you owe me a reason why."
I look at him as he sits on a nearby rock, ankles crossed and arms folded. He waits, patiently and quietly. Here's my chance, my only chance ever, but I'm letting it pour through my fingers like water. I can't...I just can't. I've been underwater so long that I've grown gills and to surface now would surely kill me.
"Vegeta...I can't. You'll hate me if you really know why."
He rolls his eyes before settling them on me again. "Stop being so melodramatic. You just saw me break down into a sobbing heap and you think that I don't...care...enough to hear you out. Give me some credit, Kakarot."
A deep breath, and I hold it. Would he...would he really forgive me for being me? But I shake my head.
"I'm sorry, Vegeta. I can't tell you why."
There's a dangerous pause as his eyes narrow...then in a flash he's off his rock and pummeling my bruised body, knocking me to the ground as he straddles my waist and tries to punch more holes into my face.
"Stop fucking around with me! I deserve to know why you tried to abandon me!"
I catch his fists in my hands and hold them there, snarling up at him. "Like you care, Vegeta! I've been dying for so many years and you've never noticed!"
He grunts as he tries to pull free. "What the hell are you going on about?!"
"Just leave it alone, Vegeta! It doesn't matter to anyone except me!"
He pushes my hands up above my head and stretches my body below him. My heart nearly trips out of my chest at the close contact and he leans down, those dark, bright eyes almost burning with something I can't name. His voice softens and his nose is maybe an inch from mine.
Did the gods really have to make you so beautiful, Vegeta?
"Kakarot...I do care. It matters to me why you wanted to leave this world. Please tell me."
I can't hide it anymore. I can't lie to him, can't run from myself and my emotions anymore. It's a feat, but I manage to hold his gaze as I utter the damning, damnable truth.
"I...I...l-love you."
There. I stumbled over those three words that have become so contemptible and yet so utterly irreplaceable. There is no other way of putting it, and maybe no amount of bad art or bad faith can ever really cheapen them. Vegeta's eyes widen, but the fists in my palms don't relax. I sigh and close my eyes. He'll leave me now; deny me any and all contact in disgust and punishment, but not before handing me my heart, ego and pride on a platter as he breaks me down with fists and tongue.
Go ahead, Vegeta. I deserve it.
I flinch unforgivably as he lowers his face to mine...
Then warm breath tickles my ear as he chuckles against it.
"All that worry, Kakarot, over something reciprocated. You really are an idiot sometimes...but, at the least, you're my idiot."
My heart stops and almost chokes on the joy that floods it, a grin lighting up my face and eyes, Vegeta trailing his nose along my cheek before dipping his head to touch his lips to mine. In all my dreams and hopes, I'd never dared to hope for this. Never allowed myself the pleasure of believing that I could someday live the dreams I kept close to my heart.
"Vegeta..."
He smiles and pulls back a little, his hands moving from my palms to cup my face.
"I do care, Kakarot, and I always have. I felt myself die with you just now. I couldn't stand by and watch as the only person I'd ever wanted drifted away from me. I apologize for not telling you sooner, and perhaps saving us a few years of pain. But, then again, what is time to a Saiyan?"
I lean up on my elbows and kiss him, too happy to explain. Words can wait. He's here, with me now, and hopefully forever. I'll have plenty of time to ask questions later and what matters is that Vegeta will listen from now on.
As his fingers slide up into my hair and pull me closer, my spirit, which had been broken and lonely for so long, finally begins to piece itself together.
And for the first time, it feels like everything is going to turn out for the better.
* * * * *
It's been a few months since my suicide attempt, and things are better than I could have imagined. Vegeta explained to me how he started to let go of the hatred not long after Majin Buu, and found himself swamped with unfamiliar emotions. He hadn't known what to do with these unrecognizable flurries of feeling so he buried them deep and tried to forget.
Sure, he had loved Bulma, but they hadn't really connected the way he had thought. Things had begun to unravel slowly, like threads from a store-bought jersey that grew worse for wear after every wash. And then he'd started to examine his feelings regarding me, and slowly worked them out. Analyzed them and understood them.
That's so like him.
I'm nudged out of my musing by Vegeta waking up, stretching and yawning, tail stiffening and fur bushing out before his body relaxes into the mattress. He rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands before blinking slowly and rolling over to nuzzle his face in my neck.
"Morning, Kakarot," he mumbles, arm lazily draping itself over my chest and the scar from Iyce's blast. I like that scar. Reminds me of the time Vegeta cried for me. I nuzzle my nose into his spikes and tighten my grip on him.
"Morning, my Ouji."
He purrs in return, the use of his royal title always igniting that rattling purr of his that I've come to adore, amongst other things.
"I wish you wouldn't think so hard in the morning; it wakes me up when I'm trying to sleep. Damn link..."
I squirm as he licks the ever-sensitive bond mark he placed on my neck just below my ear. He laughs darkly before whipping his tail up to wrap around mine. The tails grew back just after we bonded our minds and souls together, and I wouldn't trade mine for anything.
"Alright, Ouji, enough playing...I'm hungry!"
He groans and rolls off me, pushing to his knees to smirk down at me. "Nothing changes with you, Kakarot...and I'm glad for it. It's your turn to make breakfast today so haul your big ass out of bed and get to the kitchen!"
I pull a tongue at him and get strapped across the stomach by a reddish-chestnut tail before I get out of bed and pull on a dressing gown. Vegeta burrows back under the blankets, always lingering longer in bed. He says he likes the smell, and I let him be. Whatever makes him happy is fine with me.
Our ending isn't entirely happy; we had to deal with a lot of anger when we chose to tell the others of our decision. It was generally badly received and at the end, only Piccolo and our sons really gave us any blessing.
It doesn't matter though. I waited so long for this that I'll happily pay any price to continue waking up at Vegeta's side and making up for lost time. Things haven't been easy and won't always be this happy, but its worth it and Vegeta's worth it.
"Are you going to stand there staring at me or are you going to make me breakfast?"
I grin and go downstairs to the kitchen. Yep; Vegeta is worth whatever I have to pay.
END
*round of applause from gathered muses*
GB: Wow...you actually wrote and finished something in less than a
week! In two hours! Well done!
Sparda: 9 pages ain't much...
Dante: It doesn't matter how long it is! Quality is what matters!
Vegito: Aside from the painfully sappy and fluffy ending, the angsty bits
were good.
Kakarot: I get the Veggie!
*glomps Vegeta*
Zogeta: Whoo hoo!
GB: Kakarot! Leave the Ouji alone! You belong to me!
Kakarot: But...but...
GB: *glowers*
Kakarot: Oh, alright...sorry, Vedge...
Brolly: I think it's a cool story.
Bejjie: Stop sucking up.
Brolly: But I'm being honest!
Veggieto: *muses* Really, really fluffy. Barney fluffy. Disney fluffy.
Caelestra: Its clichéd, but a decent attempt.
Vegeta: At least I get the Saiyan, even if I am OOC.
Zogeta: *collapses under barrage of hidden insults* Geez, I'm sorry I
wrote it! I know I have too many unfinished stories but the plot bunny was
tearing at my fingers! I couldn't just ignore it!
GB: I use house cleaner on plot bunnies. Kills them first squirt.
Brolly: Poor bunnies.
Vegito: Bunnies taste good on rye bread with mayonnaise.
Brolly: *pales*
Zogeta: Be nice to the 8-footer, Veggieto.
Brolly: *twitches* Bunnies on bread...
Zogeta: *comforts legendary super Saiyan* No more fears, my sweet meat.
Veggieto is going to shut up now, isn't he?
Vegito: *makes mime of zipping mouth and throwing away key* Mmph!
Zogeta: Better. And thank you, muses, *glares at gathered Saiyans and
friends* for starting this train wreck.
*waves*
Goodnight, everyone!
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